Saturday, October 29, 2016


Here’s a little chitchat. Just some personal stuff that I’d like to get of my chest and share with you guys. As I thought it would be best to get rid off it all at once, I dumped it all in this one big chitchat-post. How exciting.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you might have noticed that I’ve been posting more often than I did before. And this is absolutely not because I force myself to post because I feel pressured that I must post something – anything! – for other people but myself. The actual reason I’ve been posting every other day lately is because my rather extensive “To Post ” ideas-list that is frightening me. It’s SO LONG. It comes very close to a never-ending To Do-list that’s breathing down my neck. I feel a terrible need to make it shorter and this only seems possible to start posting a lot off that list, yet the list doesn’t seem to slink – but at least I think I’ve stopped it from growing. Thankfully I know I won’t be out of inspiration for the next year or so.
Another reason that I need to finish my damn topic-idea-list: the longer I postpone a post idea, either the idea becomes out-dated, or I slowly loose motivation to work on the post and postpone it even more. Like, when I just did something exciting, for example a city trip, I can’t wait to edit the photos and fling it into the world, but usually after a trip I have other stuff to catch up with before I can start editing so the postponing sets off.
I also would love my posts to be more simultaneous with my actual life so it’s more relevant (to me mostly, because you guys usually don’t know when I did something I write, like I can say I’m writing this today but I might have written this last week and you guys won’t even know unless I’m writing about making snow angels when it’s mid-July). But usually my older ideas come first as I’m a sucker for chronological order and I don’t want those ideas to get any more old news. Though I do make a lot of exceptions for topics that are particular current for that day, or topics that I’m exceptionally excited about.

Weeewww, so from blog issues I’m just gonna go on to my an-almost-twentysomethings crisis! Sometimes I just want to smack myself and be like “staph it, are you being for real? you’re doing it again.” Doing what? Mostly focusing on the next stage in life while I’m in the middle of the current stage. It’s what I’ve always done, but I thought this was normal as I was a kid and all kids want to be someone older, right? But now I feel like this is getting weird. I’ve always been much focused on the future. As a kid I literally almost always asked my parents at the dinner table (when at a restaurant somewhere) if we could please talk about the future (which meant mostly mine, as my parents were having their future already, in my eyes). I didn’t like talking about stuff that happened in the past, I liked talking about stuff that hadn’t even happened yet so the outcome was still discussable. I loved planning it all out, dreaming away about the things life would hold for me, discussing with my parents what my plans were (they changed frequently) and discuss with them how to achieve these most quickly.
In 3rd grade, I longed to be in high school, because high schoolers were the coolest people on earth in my eyes by the time. At the age of nine I actually assigned MYSELF homework and pretended I was having homework for my high school classes just like true high schoolers have. I wanted a mobile flip phone and braces, and I even had a homework planner for all the homework we didn’t have in 3rd grade.
By the time I was in 9th grade, I came to realize there was something better and more fun than high school: college. To me college meant two things: no more class (I liked to work on my school work on my own pace) and moving out the parents’ house, to a tiny room in the city centre. Absolute freedom! It would be the very best years of my life. But no, here I am, secretly wishing college were over so real life could start. I caught myself dreaming about life after college, when I would start my own business, be financially independent, travel the world, have more money to spend, buy a house, have kids and cats and a Mercedes – most of all because I have the unrealistic expectation that after college I have the time, money and independence to do those things that I truly love to do.
I often have to call myself to consciousness, and remind myself that my thoughts are unrealistic, and that I shouldn’t want to start working already until 67 and likely even older, and that I’ll never have as much freedom and fun as now. I got some taste of the after-college life when I was having dinner with a whole group of labour market newbies, having their first job, planning on buying their first house but not even thinking about extending the family yet. People who were planning on moving to a random city because of a job offer, leaving behind all their friends and family and basically start all over. I don’t like the idea of everyone moving away, or worrying about a job you get (not want) and considering if you should move if you get the job. In a few years, everyone will be focused on their own job and husband an possible children, befriending mothers from your children’s friends, then going from day to day in pretty much the same way, mostly working or raising your children, until they move out and you realize that much of the choices we get in life have already been made - and perhaps this will be the time that looking back is much more comfortable to me than looking forward.
These thoughts made me realize that whenever college is over, there won’t be much time (or money) to do a lot of the fun things you can do and learn while you’re in college. I’ve always loved to learn and there is so much I still want to learn, but there are only a few years to take all the extra classes I’d like to do for free. Many of the fun parties, friends meet-ups, traveling the entire country for free, skipping class to go on a city trip without having to take off from work, et cetera, et cetera. Maybe this is not true for everyone, but those people are probably the lucky ones who don’t have to work much but still earn enough money to spend in their free time (or the ones who marry rich).
Then I try to convince myself that being a college alumni is not as fun as it seems, and especially not more fun than being an undergraduate. Now I’ve found the solution to solve this inner conflict: I’m attempting to delay my graduation with one year, in order to be able to do some other stuff besides my psychology major (as psychology is not my first choice work field, but it was the one major that offers good employment opportunities, that at the same time interests me, so that if I fail terribly in all the other stuff I would love to do more but that would most likely pay me way worse, I still have this major as a backup), some of those things that I truly love to do. Most of those things will probably be very helpful in the future for if I decide to take the risk to follow my dreams and ditch the field of psychology. The downside of this: the more I do those extracurricular activities that I like so much, the more I loose interest in my major (but perhaps this is also partly because majors at universities are so theoretical that it is hard to get into it when you already have this gut feeling that you’re not gonna use any of it in your future career anyways).

I had decided that it was time to take down the stuff that I posted from December 2011 to April 2014 on my former blog, so I logged back in to my old account and literally got shocked by its stats. This is largely this old blog had in the fourth month of its existence as many views as this one had in almost a year! When I was younger I never looked so much at the stats, so I only just discovered that I got a lot of views back then (at least a lot more than I do now). Besides I discovered that I had published as many posts in 3 years as I did in one year so far!
What else shocked me: most of the girls that I “knew” from blogging at my old blog back then, either deleted their blog or didn’t post anything after 2012 to 2014. Some even posted an emotional “final post” to say goodbye and explain why they were quitting (some complaining that their views were dropping so they didn’t enjoy blogging as much anymore – which sounds strange to me because I would rather blog for one view, which would be my mom’s, than to not blog at all). Anyhow, reading those goodbye-posts gave me the chills. Imagine I opened blog after blog and saw a goodbye-post on every page, almost like a dozen of suicide notes, in which its writers told the blogger’s world they were gonna leave it. It almost felt as if they had died indeed. Pure horror!

So recently I have given up trying to force myself into a socially accepted sleeping schedule, and committed to my biological inner clock. I hated going to sleep early at night when my mind is at its best (like now! It’s past midnight and I’m totally typing too many words on my weblog) and so loosing a lot of potentially creative inspiration and possible brilliant thoughts, and waking up early and feeling horrible! Besides, I don’t wake up from anything (except my mom, who spend at least half an hour waking me for every day of my high school years). You can set a thousand alarms, slap me, scream in my ear, open my eyes, jump on me, splash me with water – I won’t notice a thing. And even if I would, I would be back asleep a minute later, unable to stop myself from falling. Plus I felt terribly disappointed when I missed another alarm and woke up 2 hours late. So I decided I was not gonna do that anymore. I don’t plan appointments in the morning very often, so that wouldn’t be a problem. From then on I would stay up until I felt tired, and get up whenever I woke. Ever since I hardly feel sleepy during the day any longer – and I get more stuff done because I work a lot more efficiently late at night! What sucks about this (this I like to call a sleeping disorder because my boyfriend doesn’t believe that I can’t get out of bed because I’m still asleep, he thinks I’m lacking motivation, but how would I know if I have motivation or not while I’m still asleep? He’s probably only saying that because he’s the one suffering from it most – he finds it hard to go to sleep when he knows I’m still awake and he hates having to wake me up because I’m unable to do so by myself!) is that I will have to accept that I will probably get fired at every 8-to-5 job in the future….so I pray to find a nice working-from-home job with a lot of deadlines so I can work whenever it suits me best.

This is really a point of frustration to me. I usually have a very busy-bee type of life so I really hate it when my physical condition is stopping me from what I want to do. Like 6 weeks ago I started having weird symptoms every day or every other day that kept changing almost every week, so the symptoms became even more vague. Like the first weeks I started having a weird type of headaches that I would describe as a short, stabbing pain for a few seconds only in a specific but varying spot in my head, that came back more often each time. I also experienced dizziness, a lack of energy (not in a I-need-more-sleep kind of way, but more in a I-don’t-feel-like-moving-a-single-limb-right-now kind of way) and depressed feelings. Then the nature of the headaches started to change, and they felt more like a pressing helmet on my head, a more general headache that seemed to be present in my entire head. Later it would feel more like dull brain freezes. I felt nauseous a couple of times, I was seeing black spots in front of my eyes sometimes, once I saw blurry for a portion of my right-eye-sight. Last week I started having “normal” headaches, the ones you have once in a while when you’re tired or on your period or having the flue. Then I caught a cold, started to have sore throat and swollen glands in my neck. And for all those days I was having symptoms, I have a general feeling of “not feeling well”. Though there were a few days I was feeling perfectly fine. Also most symptoms started in the afternoon and were gone at the end of the evening.
Was it Pfeiffer’s disease? No, I had that three years ago and you can’t get it twice. Is it the cytomegalovirus? (It’s basically Pfeiffer’s disease but it’s caused by something else) No, they tested my blood on that and didn’t find anything. They tested me on my sight and my blood pressure and they tested my blood on glucose, my liver, reins, infections, viruses - but didn’t find anything! Is it stress? That would be strange, as I have not be this un-stressed since 9th grade! Is it a lack of veggies and fruits? Maybe, but I eat veggie-rich meals each night and my boyfriend forces me to drink a cup of his homemade fruit shake each day (he goes: “do you want a shake”. “no”. “do you want to taste it at least?” “sure” *takes sip of his cup* *finishes entire shake* boyfriend: “that’s what I thought. I will get you some more.” *boyfriend feels proud of his fruit shake*). Vitamin B12 deficiency? Most definitely not, I eat so much meat I’m a disgrace for the animal kingdom. Is it a lack of physical exercise? Possibly. Not that I get less now than I did before, but I’m physically pretty lazy, I can’t deny. But the thing is: How is someone who lacks energy going to move more? I hate physical exercise so if I feel energized at some point I would rather put that energy in something I like to do, like writing this post. SO WHAT COULD THIS BE? I actually don’t really care what it is, but I do want to know how to get rid of it – because it’s keeping me from my life that I’m trying to live here and I’m terribly getting behind on my schedule because of this bull crap. I’m really dysfunctioning! Where I would have my days filled with a lot of stuff that I had but liked to do, I was now laying in my bed for the entire day at some days, watching Netflix, something that I almost never do by myself. Hoping this will soon be over, not just for me but also for my doctor who my mom has been calling continuously, even though it’s pretty clear the man has no clue.

Chitchat closed.

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  1. Ah! Hoe leuk is het om zoveel ideeën te hebben! Leuk!

  2. Nooit googlen naar symptomen, dat is echt te eng! (soms komen er zelfs walgelijke plaatjes bij) Hopelijk gaat het heel snel weer beter allemaal! Kun je weer leuke dingen ondernemen en minder Netflixen :)


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